Things not to do
by Runa93
Summary: A comedy series....Tried to keep things funny. Would be really grateful if someone laughed.
1. Chapter 1

_**Things NOT to do while breaking into a house**_

**1. Try to climb up using the fragile and not-completely-to-be-trusted-ivy**

"Move up, for Heaven's sake, Watson!"

"_Where_ do I move up, will you kindly inform me, Holmes? There is seven feet of plain wall in front of me!"

"The ledge, grab onto the ledge!"

"Do I look like a gigantically disproportionate human being to you, Holmes? How can I reach that _far?!_"

"You can't reach it?"

"_No!"_

"Well, -_oomph! _Lestrade, it would benefit me greatly if you moved slightly to the left."

"I don't know Mr. Holmes, Dr. Watson seems to be in a precarious situation."

"Is he-oh."

"Perhaps we should have brought the ladder with us after all…."

"Preposterous! I hardly think that no one will have noticed three grown men carrying a ladder through the deserted alleys of London."

"If it was deserted then they wouldn't have noticed us."

"Sound logic, Lestrade."

"Not to mention that of those three men one happens to be a well known doctor, another an eminent detective and the third a Scotland Yard Inspector."

"Lestrade, you are trying my patience."

"Mr. Holmes, your plan is trying _my _patience. Why in Heaven's name, do we have to play along with this farce? I can have the lady arrested in the morning!"

"With _what _proof?"

"Holmes is right, Lestrade, we really have to search this house before, though I really _wish _that he could have come up with a better plan than this…"

"_Thank _you, Watson. Now Lestrade-Lestrade? Lestrade?"

"What's the matter?"

"Mr. Holmes…"

"Lestrade? What happened?"

"Mr. Holmes, I don't remember you mentioning anything about a _dog_ anywhere on the grounds, did you?"

**2. Once the said dog/animal/general guardian of the house gets a hold of you, trying to shake it off in the following method:**

"What happened, Holmes?"

"The dog's got a hold of Lestrade."

"Oh dear. But I thought you said that it normally stayed in the house."

"Apparently not, as you can very well see Watson. Clearly it has been set loose in the grounds for today."

"Perhaps she suspects us."

"Perhaps…Lestrade what _are_ you doing?"

"Good doggy, let go, that's a good doggy…"

"What is he doing?"

"Trying to shake off the dog and calling it repulsive endearments."

"Let go of my leg, little doggy….there there…"

"What repulsive endearments?"

"Watson, I can't bear to repeat them."

"That's it….Thats my little-ouch!"

"Whatever the case, he's clearly not succeeding, is he, Holmes?"

"Most certainly not. I believe the dog just bit him."

"If you _gentlemen_ would _kindly_ stop your antics and give a man a little _help_ over here, I would be _exceedingly_ grateful."(Spoken through gritted teeth, though from pain or rage, it is hard to tell)

"My dear Lestrade, as you can clearly see that both Watson and I are suspended several feet of the ground with our lives at the mercy of this fragile ivy-"

"_Mr. Holmes!"_

"Softer, old chap, she'll hear you."

"Wait Holmes I can deal with this."(In a louder voice, with a commanding tone.) "Here boy! Sit!"

"Watson!"

"What?"

"Couldn't you do that without waking the whole blasted neighborhood?"

"At least the dog let go of Lestrade!"

"Oh congratulations…"

"Will both of you _stop arguing_! At this rate-oh dear."

"What?"

"Our hostess is awake."

**3. On the awakening of the person whose wakefulness was not to be desired, this method of sneaking away which led a lot to be desired….**

"Move down, quickly, Holmes!"

"I would, but-Lestrade, are you under the impression that you are a statue? Move this instant, man!"

"The dog is still here, Mr. Holmes!"

"The dog is unlikely to hurt you now, Lestrade! "

"Ah, all right…hold on…."

"I think we can do little more than that, Lestrade…."

"Carefully now…..ouch!"

"Sorry, Inspector."

"This is why I do not recommend that you do not wear your military boots during this night time escapades, Watson, they are so apt to land on someone's eye."

"I'm really sorry, Lestrade, old man."

"Think nothing of it, doctor. Now gentleman, if we may leave, perhaps?"

"Certainly. I believe that you could always arrest the woman in the morning and obtain the papers from her."

"Capital idea."

"We must never mention this night again, Mr. Holmes."

"I will make certain it never finds its way into Watson's archives."

"Why, thank you, Holmes. Now I know what happened to those several missing manuscripts of mine…."

(Silence……)

"Well shall we then?"

"Lead the way, old man."

**A/N: I'm really nervous about this one. As you all know my sense of humor is practically non existent but weird ideas like this still force themselves into mine. I tried to make this funny without making it humiliating or making anyone OOC. I hope I succeeded. Of course, if anyone can offer me advice or help me out I'll be really grateful, as comedy is not my forte. Also I've got other ideas as well so if anyone wants to see this continued as a series, I'll be happy to oblige. **

**If you liked (even a teensy weensy bit), please review! **

'


	2. Chapter 2

_**Things not to do when…**__**.**_

…'_**borrowing' important documents of State from a certain detective's brother's house….**_

**1. To get the window leading to the required room wrong…**

"Hurry up, Watson!"

"I'm _trying_, Holmes. Perhaps you do not know, but climbing up a wall and breaking the latch of the window _quietly_, so that the occupant inside is _not_ disturbed takes a certain amount of time and effort-"

"For heaven's sake Watson, leave your lecture for when we are back at Baker Street! Now kindly increase your speed!"

"Yes, all right. Why are you so edgy today, anyway?"

"You might not have noticed, but this is my brother's house we are breaking into."

"Yes."

"My brother, who is my seven years my senior and is far superior to me in both deductional and observational skills?"

"Not to mention gastronomical ones."

"So you can see that perhaps I _do _have some reason for anxiety?"

"You are afraid that he will foresee this little plan of yours and bring all your well arranged plans to ruin?"

"How astute, Watson. Might I remind you that this case might actually be paying for our holiday in France?"

"….You were actually planning on going?"

"Weren't you?"

"I thought you were merely joking, Holmes! You detest leaving London for fear of missing any good cases."

"Yes, well, I thought it was time for some change."

(Shrewdly)"Or perhaps to be as far away from your brother as possible when this case is concluded?"

(Briskly) "Never mind that, Watson! Is that window done yet?"

"Ah…yes! Hold on, I'm opening it…Yes, I'm in. Come on up, Holmes."

"Ah yes…thank you, my dear fellow…so this is the room is it-"

……………………..

"Watson."

"Oh dear. This is the wrong room, isn't it?"

**  
2. On discovering the mistake, having a very vocal argument in the said manner…**

"You must have counted the windows wrong, I told you it was the third from the right-"

"Most certainly not! Third from the _left_, you told me, Holmes, don't you dare deny it, Ms. Hudson were there at the time-"

"Filling our teacups and muttering about the terrible state of the rooms! I'm sure she heard you _very_ well and will be willing to tell you my exact words which were _third from the right_!"

"If you want to argue, you can do so forever, but I hold my ground. I know precisely what I heard and it wasn't right…"

"Of course it wasn't right, it was _wrong! _I said-"

"Ex-excuse me, sir, but are you bur-burglars?"

**3. On finding a terrified maidservant standing at the half opened door, this method of explaining to her….**

"Ah…good evening."

(Silence…)

(In an undertone) "Be polite Watson, greet her."

(Softly) "Holmes, we are inside this house without her or the owner's permission and she thinks we are housebreakers and _you want me to greet her?_"

(Tutting softly) "What happened to your gentlemanly chivalry to the fair sex, Watson? And we are housebreakers now, therefore we really cannot-"

"S-Sir?"

"Yes, my dear?"

"Yo-you are-?"

"Ah, how unforgivable of me. My name is Major Callendar and this is my friend, Colonel Fielding, and to answer your question, we are _not _burglars."

"B-But sir, the window…y-you…"

"The window? Oh, we opened it, there is such a wonderful breeze."

"But I didn't…."

"See us? Well, perhaps it was a little lax of you, my dear, but we came in through the door, which incidentally was open, like perfectly honorable gentlemen."

"You are friends of the Madam, sir? If so, I'm sorry, but she just left for the party."

"Friends, no, but acquaintances, certainly. Wat-I mean, Fielding here, his wife and your mistress were very good friends in their childhood days."

"Oh! You will pardon me, for saying so, sir,-"

"Not at all, speak on."

"-but I didn't think that you were all that young as that. I mean to be married to a lady of madam's age…" (blushes)

"Young as what?"

(Softly) "Steady, Watson."(Loudly) "It's been some time since I've last seen her, I've quite forgotten, but what age must she be approaching, my dear?"

"Ah, she turned 25 only last week, sir!"

(Silence.)

"Well that explains it!"

"Indeed it does."

"You're not quite the 'dashing' young gentlemen any more, are you, Wat-Fielding, old chap?"

"I should say not."

"That's what I meant sir, I hope I didn't-"

"No, not at all. But you see, ah, Fielding has had a…_penchant_ for young woman and they had known each other for some time after all…but that is beside the point. As the lady is not in the house at the moment, perhaps we should take our leave."

"Ah, certainly sir, but the madam-"

"-shall be informed of our coming, certainly. Tell her that Colonel Fielding had called upon her to enquire upon her health. I'm sure she'll remember Katie Fielding, her childhood friend. And now, we must take our leave."

"Ah, yes sir!"

(A door closes.)

"A penchant for young ladies, Holmes?"

"The risk of the moment, my dear fellow! Believe me, I meant nothing of the kind. It was an unexpected intrusion."

"I'm sure she thought the same."

"Well, it went better than expected. It was good that she was so amiable."

"But Holmes, the lady will _not_ know any Colonel Fielding-"

"Ah, there you are mistaken, dear fellow. On entering the room, I noticed a postcard placed under a book, bearing the inscription, _Yours affectionately, Katie Fielding._ The book is a well thumbed one, and the postcard is dated two years previously, from Amritsar, India. Clearly a well beloved friend, otherwise why use her postcard as a bookmark for a often read book, and someone who is currently in India. As India is overrun with an abundance of Colonel's and Majors, I felt quite safe inventing a fictional Colonel Fielding."

"Ah. But Holmes-"

"Absurdly simple, I'm sure you'll say."

"Quite, but-"

"It requires only a little practical application and imagination; won't you agree my dear fellow?"

"Certainly, Holmes, but what I would like to say is-"

"You seem agitated, Watson. Is something the matter?"

"What he has been trying to tell you for the past five minutes, Sherlock, that the brother whose house you were trying to break into is standing right behind you."

**4. On discovering said brother standing behind you with a murderous look, this method of proving your innocence:**

"….Mycroft. What an unexpected pleasure."

"Unexpected, certainly. Pleasure, I doubt."

"Why would you immediately think that I am trying to break into your house? Surely a little social meeting is not to be discounted."

"It is to be discounted for many reason, the principal of which are : One, you know perfectly well, dear brother, that this is the time I spend at my Diogenes club and hence you would not have come _here_to have your 'social' meeting. Secondly, you are the last man to seek society for the sake of society, as the good doctor will readily ascertain-"

"I am forced to agree with you there."

"Less of your blatant honesty now, my dear Watson."

"-therefore, dear brother, you did _not_ come to enjoy the pleasure of my company, you came to take the documents of the case relating to Sir Edorworth's recent murder, and I regret to tell you that you will not receive it."

"I have already ascertained that, brother mine, by the steady furrow clouding your brow. Lighten up, Mycroft, and try not to give your self a cardiac arrest. What I would like to know is what has shaken you from your orbit. There is….a full hour left for your return from the Diogenes."

"That is-(Door opens.) Ah there you are Elsie. I'm sure you remember Elsie, Sherlock, the charming girl who has kept you occupied for the last fifteen minutes as I made my way back from the Diogenes? She was kind enough to send me a telegram regarding your arrival, so here I am, and let me tell you I am _most_ displeased."

"Mother was right, you know, Mycroft. You really should stop eating so much. You'll get apoplexy next. Your face, dear brother, is quite purple, like a blackberry pudding, don't you think so, Watson?"

"_Sherlock!"_

"Now a most unhealthy mixture of red and violet. Mycroft, you really must get yourself a doctor, all those color changes simply cannot be heal-ah, it is one the paler side of grey now. Watson, we should perhaps leave, our presence seems to be affecting my dear brother's health. "

"Go. Please ."

(Footsteps die away…..)

"That didn't go to well, Holmes."

(Shrugs) "I spoke for Mycroft's own good, you know, he really does need to stop having those seven meals per day. Besides all that extra fat is reducing his sensory capacity."

"I beg your pardon?"

(A bellow of outrage is heard from the general direction of Mycroft's apartment)

"Ah, he has noticed. Perhaps if we quicken our footsteps, Watson? Our train to France is waiting; we've only to board it."

"But we haven't the paper, Holmes!"

"Here it is!"

"I-what?"

"Brother Mycroft really is slipping. I always advised him not to carry important documents in his person."

"…We really must hurry then, Holmes."

"Definitely. I advice not going to Baker Street now; I've a feeling that that might be a bad idea. On to the railway station then! Here, cabbie!"

"Holmes, you realize we won't get far with this."

"I do. But it'll be worth seeing brother Mycroft's face, won't it, my dear fellow?"

"You are the most impossible man alive." (Sigh)

"I know." (Smugly)

**A/N: Things to be nervous about:**

**Mycroft**

**Holmes and Mycroft's conversation**

**Whether the whole thing got too long**

**The general plotline**

**The whole story**

**Absence of (much) conversation by John Watson, due to Mycroft dominating the latter half.**

***bites lips nervously*** **I would love to know your views, and best of all, ideas for the next chapter. I chewed myself to bits trying to write this. I would like some ideas as well as comments on improvement. **

**P.S: This was an idea I had recently. Do you think we could have a poll where all the SH lovers and writers and lurkers and readers etc etc could vote to show their country of origin? I just wanted to see how big the SH fandom really is (I'm sure its pretty big). No personal information has to be volunteered of course. **

**This is just an idea in the making so if anyone thinks that it's a good idea, maybe they can come forward and help me with it. I did discuss this with KCS, and while she thinks it's a good idea, she also says that the site doesn't allow polls in the stories themselves and I think trying to do a poll this big in my profile would be really tough. **

**So if anyone has any ideas, like doing it in LJ or something(but dunno how many are LJ members…) contact me. **

**P.P.S: Completely unrelated to SH, just a sidenote, has anybody been feeling the heat lately? The tempreture here just rose to 44 degrees Celcius yesterday, and boy, are we in a bad shape! Its global warming, I'm telling you! So for all those people who are suffering like I am, or even if they are not, can they please do me a favour and plant a tree for me? I'm sorry for this silly request, but this global warming scenario sounds a lot more serious now!**

**As usual, if you enjoyed please review, and if not, please take some time to pass on constructive criticism so that I may improve.**

**Thank you!**


End file.
